Space City Rock Goes Inside the Campaign for Governor

2010 Texas Gubernatorial Race: In our first-ever SCR Election Preview, the pubishing/editorial staff of Space City Rock would like to officially endorse Bill White for Governor of Texas. Furthermore, we call on Rick Perry to debate his opponents in an open forum for the benefit of the electorate. We’d like to note, however, that we don’t claim to speak for everybody who writes for the site, just for ourselves.

What do Kanye West, Santa Claus, and three-term Texas republican governor Rick Perry have in common? If you guessed child-like intelligibility and a propensity for ego trips, you’re halfway there. All three of these “men” have been gifted with their own page on dickipedia.org, a hilarious spin-off/satire of the open-source encyclopedia Website of a similar name. Yes, alongside such integral personage as Russell Crowe, Anne Coulter, Pope Benedict XVI, Dick Cheney and Simon Cowell, Texas’s sitting CEO joins the ranks of legendary assholes from across the spectrum of politics, entertainment, and general world history.

Despite the many records held by Governor Perry (most number of executions by a single governor, lowest standardized test scores and graduation rates, etc.), his mention on dickipedia.org in itself is an accomplishment, for amid the many politicians, pundits, athletes, celebrities, and global figures, Mr. Perry is the only sitting governor, a strictly state-wide politician, not working in the national arena.

If you ever wondered what could have become of Sarah Palin’s political career if she had been born with a penis, Rick Perry is that answer. In fact, I can recall a time not too long ago, while sloshed with friends, where I jokingly theorized that Palin and Perry could someday run on the same ticket (yikes). Though such a prospect makes me want to vomit from my backside, in reality, the candidacy of two hardcore, lunatic Bible-thumpers, the almost literal Adam and Eve of the GOP social philosophy, running together at the same time, would actually be amazing to witness. Perhaps it could even spell the end for religious fundamentalism in American politics, by finally and in the most unavoidable of manners, presenting to the public the true face of the theocratic intentions of the conservative movement.

For as long as I have been allowed to vote (the turn of the millennium), Rick Perry has been a scourge on the already destitute reputation of Texas politics. In that same tragic year, when the Christian cowboy had his dad’s buddies in the Supreme Court “decide” the presidential election in his favor, if that wasn’t enough to wallow in, this state’s lieutenant governor, a younger (but still batshit) Perry ascended to the governor’s mansion for real, where he still resides today (well, technically, people burned down the actual mansion nearly two-and-a-half years ago; he currently lives in a cushy, taxpayer-funded accommodation close by).

Every facet of the Perry administration, then and now, is designed simply to fuck over the average Texan as much as possible, a philosophy no doubt instilled by his predecessor. Whether it’s staffer after staffer coming directly from the lobbyist arena or lavish digs for heel cooling (I read something about a $700 coat rack; a $20 wooden hook and a wall screw too pedestrian for this flaming turd?), Perry speaks boldly about the perils of government waste and cutting spending, yet at every turn his policies helped create an $18 billion budget shortfall.

He walks in lockstep with Tea Party denizens over more personal freedom and liberty and less government intrusion into private lives. But he also wanted to mandate HPV vaccines for teenage girls and went out of his way to make the consensual romantic acts of adults of the same gender taking place in private illegal on more than one occasion.

My friends, I did initially attempt to keep this article from turning into a full on, one-sided Republican hit piece; I had planned to devote equal time to highlighting both candidates’ strengths and weaknesses. Alas, the raw and immense douchebaggery of Governor Perry consumed me whole, and I could no longer contain my animus.

I could sit here and list off all the noteworthy accolades associated with his Democratic opponent, former Houston mayor Bill White, like how crime rates saw their lowest levels in 30 years under his watch or how he balanced the budget annually, and in 2005 oversaw the mostly peaceful transition of a quarter of a million Katrina refugees migrating to his city after the worst natural disaster in this nation’s history. I could talk of these considerable achievements (and I did a little); however, in this crazy, unaccountable, up-is-down journalistic landscape, legitimate praise and retrospection bore the piss out of the regular voters. They demand coliseum-esque bloodletting; epic, snarling, brutal battles to feast the eyes and ears on. So, in this spirit, I devote the rest of this diatribe to exacerbating the debate, and switching gears back to a subject I touched on earlier.

Last week, in anticipation of writing this article, I traveled to my local Bill White for Governor Campaign hub to conduct research first-hand. There, I met and spoke with a nice gentleman about my age concerning general questions about himself and the campaign, as well as some specific topics. One such topic that he encouraged me to check out was regarding a State House district race (150), specifically, the Republican candidate Debbie Riddle and her insanely laughable, baffling theory on “terror babies” (for those in the dark, it’s essentially the same idea as “anchor babies,” only Muslim and therefore sinister).

“These are the kinds of people who are running on their [Republican] side”, the man remarked, and I concurred. It wasn’t until I brought up the subject of religion that he and I differed in opinion. I lamented how not enough Democratic candidates are willing to distance themselves from religious extremities exemplified in the multitude of conservative arguments and positions, regardless of whether or not they themselves are religious. He was quick to bring up Bill White’s service as a Methodist Sunday school teacher and his regular church attendance, in an attempt to point out White’s personal spiritual perspective and how it hasn’t affected or bled into his political perspective. I agreed with him, however, when I pressed him on the matter of religion further; his exact words escape me, but he said that subject was “taboo”, and quickly changed the conversation.

Herein lies my point; why is the subject of religion in politics taboo? Who does that system benefit? What’s so wrong with a candidate of moderate faith challenging an opponent on their hyperbolic faith, especially if that faith manifests in policy opinions meant to govern over everyone, not just the faithful? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it: goddamn everything. Remember where this country was in 2000? Unemployment was below 5%, state and federal budgets were balanced or contained surpluses, we weren’t engaged in two obdurate, intractable wars, schoolchildren were taught sex-ed and the importance of contraception, and other types of generally not terrible things.

Where are we now? After a decade of right-wing rule, our economy looks like smashed ass, no one can buy a home, everyone is bankrupt (including Uncle Sam), and there are more high school dropouts and teenage pregnancies than you can shake a stick at. I don’t mean to blame all our nation’s problems on the failures of the overly zealous pious politicians, mind you; but then again, maybe I do, just a little. The following quote from Rick Perry was uttered on June 12th, at the Eagle Forum‘s annual Patriotic Banquet. For quick context, the founder of the Eagle Forum is aging Christian megastar Phyllis Schlafly, a female misogynist famous for hating gays and loving fetuses. Perry’s proclamation was as follows: “That’s the question: who do you worship? Do you believe in the primacy of unrestrained federal government? Or do you worship the God of the universe, placing our trust in him?”

To a similar imbecilic effect, in May of this year, shortly after BP took a giant shit in the Gulf Coast waters, Rick Perry was also quoted as saying, “From time to time, there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented.” Actually, dickhead, that spill could have been prevented, if you and Haley Barbour and W and other Republicans weren’t so busy giving oil company lobbyists hummers and snorting methamphetamines with them off hotel kitchenette toasters (real thing, Department of the Interior scandal, 2008).

Hell, I couldn’t even finish writing this post before another allegation of wrongdoing surfaced regarding Gov. Asshat’s disbursement of 16 million (taxpayer) dollars in supposed “technology grants” to companies whose money men have directly contributed to Perry’s re-election fund. For a self-avowed, devout Christian, Rick Perry is the perfect model of a conservative politician — he’s absolutely full of shit. He rails against Planned Parenthood and supports anti-abortion groups in Texas while, at the same time, presiding over 264 (thus far) executions, including prisoners with an I.Q. of 70 or less (i.e., the mentally handicapped). What mechanism allows a person to incessantly declare all life to be sacred, including the unborn, yet justifies the state-sponsored murder of almost 300 human beings? I guess when you believe the earth is 6,000 years old, even though the entirety of modern civilization flies directly in the face of that notion every day, any game of mental Twister can be pursued.

So where does this leave us? According to the arrogant, two-faced, vapid, brainwashed automatons like Gov. Perry, there exist two choices for America: either you believe in the Biblical God, including Jesus (sorry, Jewish people), or you don’t. If you happen to fall in the latter column, now, more than at any other time in politics, there is a targeted, well-funded attack squad ready to shout you down. The protests of the Islamic cultural center near Ground Zero represent only one branch of this very old tree. Recent Tea Party-backed events, such as the “Restoring Honor” rally in D.C., hosted by moronic Mormon evangelist Glenn Beck, have codified Christianity into the conservative, Republican political platform, in a way that was merely tacit, symbolic or at best implied in previous times.

The right-wing uprising of late has defined with clarity their intentions should they “take back America,” as if liberals nefariously kidnapped our government, rather than be democratically elected to serve it by the people. I hate to be so blunt, dear readers, but in my humble opinion, the sycophantic, deranged denizens of the Republican Party, if now given the chance, could actually institute as law for all our citizens the vast multitude of Christian beliefs and viewpoints they have championed for decades.

Rick Perry is a cog in this machine. In fact, he is a prominent cog, well-respected by fellow kinsmen for his tireless efforts in our state, like reducing social services spending to its lowest levels, and supporting the state School Board’s decision to “North Korea-ize” the textbooks, ensuring the demonstrable failure in all corners of life for Texas youth. Even Alaska’s treasure, the woman whose Wasilla church in 2005 spent tens of thousands of dollars to fly a Kenyan Pentecostal minister to that state to bless her from “python spirits,” stumped for Perry and called him a “true conservative.”

I don’t often find myself saying this, but that woman is right; Rick Perry is a true conservative. Since we’ve seen where conservatism is leaning these days (somewhere between Mayberry and Birth of a Nation), Mrs. Palin’s endorsement tells us a lot about what kind of governor Rick Perry was, is, and wants to continue to be.

Again, this is a discussion we can no longer afford to shirk. Having a religion and following its doctrines is not the issue. Bill White is a pious follower of Jesus Christ, but for Christ’s sake, he understands the 1^st amendment of the Constitution and that whole part about “…not making laws respecting the establishment of religion.” Rick Perry does not understand this fundamental principle or, worse, if he does, he chooses not to abide by it. If elected for a fourth term, Rick Perry will continue to skull-fuck Texas and her people. And if, God forbid, a Republican majority exists in Congress next year, this will only embolden Perry. And make no mistake, he will pump away harder and more focused than ever before.

Bill White, on the other hand, will not skull-fuck Texas (his campaign staffer assured me of this). Bill White cares about Texas, and like he demonstrated as mayor of Houston, Bill White can turn things around, and clean up the sizable mess Rick Perry has left behind. I know it’s cliché, but now more than ever, the stakes are too high, and we can no longer sit idly by while Governor Dingleberry takes a formidable dump on our state and our Constitutionally-protected freedoms. Similarly, we can no longer afford to dance delicately around the sensibilities of some with regards to religion in politics.

Let’s finally have the debate; you bring your Bible, I’ll bring the clinical trials and lab results of hundreds of thousands of scientists from the last 100 years from across the globe confirming evolution, the age of the earth, and everything in between. In the end, what a person wants to believe on their own, so long as it doesn’t infringe on anyone else, is up to them.

Our founding fathers agreed, and they made it the first fucking thing to amend to the chief ruling document they created. Sadly, this new rebirth of the aggressive Christian conservative movement appears to disagree with our nation’s progenitors more than ever before. Someone should tell them or, better yet, let’s give Rick Perry the bum’s rush on November 2^nd, and he can tell them in person.